Frustrated with life

You know, frustration can be frustrating for many people all at the same time. I am caught in a situation where one person is frustrated regarding the actions of myself and someone else, but I am frustrated because of the financial situation that has put me in this situation that frustrates the first person. Does that make sense? I'm tired of having no money and not being able to do anything without asking for money from someone else or having someone else pay. I realize that it is not fair to expect other people to pay for everything for me and, don't get me wrong, I don't think that my financial instability is the responsibility of others either. The problem is that I can't do anything about it unless I go back to work, which everyone agrees is not the answer either.

What I don't understand is how a person is expected to be able to survive like this. Social Security Disability says that I should get approximately $1000/month, but it won't arrive until I have been approved, which takes no less than 6 months and can take literally years to get approval. How are you supposed to survive on no money? How do those people you see on TV that spend thousands of dollars a month on junk food get that money? I've paid into the system and I am not trying to purpetrate fraud with a faux disability - I deserve that money...I paid in and now I need to redeem it - GIVE ME MY MONEY!

I have to call the state people again this week. I am going to check when I go to my other doctors on Wednesday, but apparently my family doctor still has not even gotten a request from the state for records. They got the request in April from SSDI, but nothing from the state. That means that not only has my case worker been lying that he was waiting only on records from Bronson, but he is also lying about even sending out the other requests! No wonder I have gotten no where with this! So, I am still waiting for my medicaid. Apparently, Borgess is paying my COBRA again since I was hospitalized and had a few added expenses. It appears that they have actually paid through September, which I find amazing, but I am very thankful for. They may not be my favorite hospital in terms of the care I receive or their loving collections department, but I do appreciate that they are helping out with the COBRA situation. At least I have insurance that will cover those expenses and also my prescriptions. The copays are still too much, but it is better than paying cash for them all!

I am also frustrated with my health. I went to the grocery store today (at least that lousy case worker did get me the food stamps) and got food. We were running low on food before I went to the hospital, but it was really bad by the time I got out. Mom doesn't ever bother to dump food out of the fridge - there were 2 gallons of rotten milk in the fridge and she didn't bother to dump either of them. Anyway, I was talking about my health. I get so frustrated when I go to the grocery and I am so covered in sweat by the time I leave that people stare at me. I had wet hair when I arrived (I had just taken a shower) and was just as wet when I left. Mom came home 2 hours later and my shirt was still wet from all the sweat. My stomach hurts and I am so tired. I am just tired and frustrated and all I want to do is cry, but that doesn't help anything - I know because I have tried that several times tonight. I don't know what to do. Everyone seems to be mad at me, or at least frustrated with me. I don't know how to make it better. I feel like I am trapped in a hell that I can't get out of. The only answer seems to be to go back to work and make it work because I can't keep disappointing people. I am disappointing everyone and I hate it. I feel like crap and it doesn't seem to get any better, so why not go back to work...the worst that will happen is that it will kill me - my luck, it will just make me miserable though. I wish my life could go back to the way it used to be. Turns out, the life I thought was tough 5 years ago was nothing in comparison. I want to go back to a world where my dad was here to tell me what to do and to give me a big hug and tell me it will all be okay...but he can't. It's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible a person? Have I been that wretched to people that this is what I get in return?

So, obviously, I am just frustrated with everything. It will get better, I have to believe that it will because otherwise, there is nothing worth going on for. I know though, that there is something to live for. If nothing else, Andrew makes it worthwhile. He spent the weekend with his grandparents and I missed him so much. He was gone Thursday night until Sunday and I just talked to him a little while ago for the first time since he got back. He can put the smile on my face no matter how desperate I feel. He informed me that he played with toys and with Snowy (their dog). He also told me that he had a good time. I'm glad that he went and I'm really glad that he had fun. He did fall out of bed, again, but seems to be no worse for wear.

I guess I better get to my cross-stitching. I haven't worked on it today yet. This stamped pattern cross-stitch really is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I always thought it was kind of cross-stitch for dummies, but turns out I am the dummy! I think I have spent more time taking stitches out than putting them in! I have to have it done by the end of the month, so I better get working!

Sally