An honest look at my day...

It was suggested that I look at this blog as a journal of sorts...a place to share my personal feelings and what goes on in this crazy head of mine that other people can see and therefore have a better understanding of my world. That is a lot harder to do than it seems on the surface.

I've never wanted to be looked at as a complainer or a whiner, especially since getting sick. I try to find the positive side of things and keep a cheerful demeaner, which I think I am pretty successful at. There are days though that it is much more difficult than others. This has been one of those days.

I was awake several times last night after getting an early start to sleep, which is unusual lately. When I finally woke for the last time at about 7:30 this morning, I felt like you do when you have laid in bed too long and your entire body aches. The nice thing about that feeling is that it goes away after you start moving around a bit. The bad thing about the feeling this morning was that it didn't go away...it actually got worse the more I moved around. So, I took my morning meds and some extra pain meds and came upstairs to sit in the chair and relax before making breakfast because at that time, I was afraid I would throw up if I even smelled food. I sat there in some pretty intense pain for several hours before I finally decided to try a sandwich (yes, it was lunch time by this point). Fortunately, despite a few trips to the bathroom, the sandwich stayed down. Unfortunately, the pain just continued. I probably should have called the doctor's office, but I get so tired of hearing about how no one knows what more they can do for me. So, I just kept taking the extra pain meds as scheduled and made it through the day.

Now I sit here at 11:20pm and am wondering what I am going to do. The pain is better than it was first thing this morning, but I suspect that has more to do with all the pain meds than the pain actually being any better. If it is still this bad in the morning, I will call the doctor and see what they have to say. I suspect the answer will be that if the pain gets to the point that I can't tolerate it anymore, I am to go to the hospital. Let's face it, I really don't want to do that though.

I get so frustrated. It's so lonely feeling like this. I know that mom and Becky try to be as supportive as they can be, but there is no way that they can really understand what it is like to be in this situation. It seems like there are more days than not lately that I wonder why I was left here on this earth. I fought so hard to make it through the last 2 years and I thought things were getting better, but here I am again. Doctors keep telling me all the ways that this stupid disease is going to kill me, but they don't seem to have any ideas on how to make it better or even more comfortable in the interim. This is no way to live.

Now, don't go freaking out that I am going to go off and do something stupid. I would never do that. I would never do that to my family or those that I love. I feel very strongly that suicide is a purely selfish act and I would NEVER do that. I am just saying that I am at the point in my life that if something happened, I wouldn't do anything to stop it. This is not news to my family. They know that is where I stand, as does my doctor. I am tired. Tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of the entire mess. I can't make plans to do things as simple as going to a play because I don't know if I will be in the hospital or not in a couple weeks. I can't make plans to go see my best friend because goodness knows I can't be that far away from the doctors that are familiar with my ridiculous body! I can't even work anymore because even working from home, I wasn't able to be there consistently enough to call it gainful employment!

So, now that you have taken a visit to the dark side of my brain, are you sorry you went? I know that there are good days to go along with these bad days, but it is very frustrating when the bad seem to outnumber the good. I don't need platitudes about how god doesn't give you more than you can handle or to keep my chin up because there are better times to come. I need answers. I need resolution. I need a break from all this, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards these days.

Well, I will try to continue to be honest and open here in this little blog of mine. Like I said, it is harder than it seems...I feel very naked laying all this out here on the table for you to see. This is the part of my world that I try to keep to myself, for the most part. So, be gentle when you see me - remember, I am fragile and broken. My skin isn't as thick as it once was and sometimes the things people say hurt and make me cry whereas it used to roll off my back. My soul is as bruised as my arms and I don't bounce back as easily anymore. I'm not the Sally you once knew...this Sally has been through a lot and has learned a lot about herself and others. I have learned that friends you thought would be with you through thick and thin have run away into the mist of the night. I have learned that people you may have thought of as casual friends or even acquaintences are the strongest friends you could have and that they will be there for you through anything.

Most importantly, I have learned that my sister is the strongest person I know and that she is there for me anytime I need her - at 2am when she is sound asleep or at 4pm when she is at work and has to scramble to find someone to cover for her. I have learned that she is the best sister I could have ever asked for and I would be lost without her. I love her with all of my soul and appreciate everything she has done more than I could ever express. In addition, she is an amazing mom and wife. She is bringing up the most wonderful little man. He has tremendous manners and a kind heart and spirit that is evidence of his spectacular parents. I am so proud to call her my sister.

Sally